Regrets
by Shadowed Shinobi
Summary: On his wedding day, Remus Lupin remembers who he has lost and what he has never had.


**Disclaimer/ Warning:** I do not own the Harry Potter series or characters in any way, shape or form. I would have so much more money if I did. Also, this story contains homosexual themes, meaning: mention of affection/ love between two members of the same gender. If you are morally opposed to this, yippee for you. I don't need you to notify me of your beliefs via reviews, however. If you are not mortally offended by my use of artistic freedom, then please read on and enjoy!

**Regrets**

"Are you ready, my friend?"

Remus Lupin looked at Arthur Weasley, barely aware of his presence in lieu of the haze that had settled over his mind. "As ready as I'll ever be, Arthur."

His companion laughed. "Cheer up, Remus! You've got pre-wedding jitters, just like every other man who's ever walked down the aisle. This is the happiest day of your life! Now come on, the ceremony will be starting soon." He made to exit, expecting Lupin to follow.

Lupin remained seated. "Go on without me. I'll be out in a few minutes, I promise. I just… need some time alone. To think."

Nodding his assent, Arthur Weasley took his leave, leaving Lupin by himself in the bedroom that had been transformed in to a dressing room for the purpose of the wedding. Laughter and joyous conversation could be heard in the halls and in the yard. To Lupin, that was the best thing about today: an occasion for people to celebrate and be merry. There were so few of those these days.

Sighing, he looked at himself in the mirror. He saw plainly the lines that had appeared on his face over the past couple of years, adding on to the ones that had been there before. His hair, almost completely grey now, flopped listlessly over his eyes. Life in the Order was difficult for all of them, and took its toll accordingly. It had been two years since Voldemort had returned.

A year since Sirius had died.

It was odd that his thoughts should drift to such gloomy subjects on what should be such a happy day. Less odd though, when he considered what Sirius had meant to him.

As a child, Lupin had rarely been without his companions: James, Sirius, and Peter. The four had formed a friendship that they had thought sacred at the time. As they grew, their bond seemed to deepen. When Lupin was accepted even when his true nature was revealed, he knew that he would cherish his friends forever. Especially Sirius.

Lupin could never quite figure out when his feelings for his longtime ally had changed. The transformation occurred so slowly that he did not recognize it for what it was for some time.

He had fallen in love with Sirius Black.

Whenever he was unoccupied, Lupin's eyes would stray to his companion. He often caught himself staring, noting features and gestures that a normal friend would not: the way Sirius's eyes lit up when he laughed, the way his brow knit together when he was deep in thought, the way his cheeks flushed when he was angry or frustrated. Lupin began to shiver at the sound of Sirius's voice, though he was certain the voice had not changed.

He realized the meaning behind his actions during their final year together at Hogwarts. He didn't say anything, certain that his feelings were not reciprocated. Life went on as it had previously. Their friendship continued, and the four finished school, Sirius none the wiser to his friend's affections.

They had graduated during the height of Voldemort's reign. They parted ways, each finding his own means of fighting. Meeting briefly and rarely, Lupin and his friends were left to hope for the well-being of their comrades with no proof of health.

They came together for the final time for Lily and James's wedding. On that day, they had all been so happy! The guests had danced until night had fallen, forcing them to retire. Sirius jokingly remarked to Lupin that the two of them would never find love, doomed to remain alone together forever.

Still, Lupin didn't tell him.

The next couple of years passed in a blur. Lupin saw his friends only by chance, and then only for a short period of time. He knew that James had had a son and that Sirius had been made the boy's godfather. He also found out from Dumbledore that the family had gone in to hiding. Lupin could rest easier at night, knowing that Sirius would guard the secret of the Potters' location with his life.

Then his life came crashing down around him. One friend dead, another supposedly so. And Sirius Black, the one Lupin loved best in the entire world, had killed them both. He was carted off to Azkaban, and Lupin was left alone to pick up the pieces.

He teetered on the edge of insanity for months. Cutting himself off from civilization, he lived yearning for the full moon, when he could completely lose himself and his past. Over time, he began to recover. As the world moved past the destruction caused by Voldemort, Lupin moved past the loss of all of his dearest friends. He convinced himself that his feelings for Sirius had been nothing more than a childish infatuation of little consequence. He never truly believed that, but as long as he kept from examining his feelings too closely, he could keep going.

Finally the year came of his return to Hogwarts. That was the happiest Lupin had been for many years. Harry reminded him so much of James. That, coupled with the school that had changed little since he had left, brought about a familiarity that told Lupin that this was the best and happiest home he had ever known.

Still, news of Sirius's escape from Azkaban disconcerted him. He could not bring himself to hate Sirius, hard as he tried. Snape insinuated that Lupin was aiding Sirius. This was untrue; Lupin had not seen him for twelve years, and would not know what to do if they met again.

Fortunately, fate decided that it would be amusing to throw them together again. So Lupin found himself in the Shrieking Shack that historic night, with two of his oldest friends: Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. When he saw Sirius that night after learning the truth, everything that he had ever felt for the dark-haired man came rushing back. He knew then that, even if Sirius had murdered his two other friends, Lupin could never harm him. Happily, that was not the case, and the pair were reunited against the true murderer of James Potter. Unhappily, Peter escaped, largely due to Lupin's transformation.

Lupin had never forgiven himself for that. If Peter had been restrained, perhaps Sirius would have been freed. Perhaps Voldemort would not have been brought back. Perhaps Sirius would still be alive.

Lupin shook his head angrily. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps! It was no good thinking of what would have happened. Nor did dwelling on what did happen help, but Lupin could not restrain himself today.

Sirius went into hiding. Lupin visited him often, and they sat for hours reminiscing about the past. During this time, Lupin lived for the days they spent together. He discovered to his dismay that his feelings had returned stronger than ever.

Even then, Lupin didn't tell him.

Months came and went. Voldemort was resurrected and in turn, the Order of the Phoenix returned to life as well. It was during this time that Lupin met Tonks. From the beginning, she expressed a great deal of interest in him, though he did little to encourage her affections. He had eyes only for Sirius, although the other man was still unaware. The Order gave Lupin the opportunity to see Sirius more often, the only blessing that came out of those terrible times. In a twisted way, Lupin was happy.

Then came the day at the Department of Mysteries. Lupin watched his friend, his comrade, his love, his _everything_ perish at the hands of his demented cousin. On that day, Lupin ceased to truly feel. He stood numbly at the funeral service. They made a grave for Sirius, although there was no body to bury. Lupin remained staring at the headstone long after everyone else had left. It began to rain; he didn't notice. He remained for hours, trying to absorb the reality of what had happened. He felt more keenly than ever how painful love could be.

And yet, Lupin didn't tell him.

For Lupin, the next year was hardly worth living. He found comfort in Tonks, who was always there for him. He could see her feelings for him, but now did nothing to stop her. He was so lonely, and welcomed anyone who could bring him comfort.

So that was how they had ended up here, about to be married. Lupin knew that he was using Tonks as a replacement for Sirius. They were cousins, and something in her voice brought back the evenings at Hogwarts Lupin had spent with his friends huddled around the fire in the Gryffindor common room. It was a terribly selfish and immoral act, for Lupin to marry Tonks out of desperation for warmth. Awful to marry her because she reminded him of Sirius. She deserved someone better. She should have someone who loves her for who she is. But Lupin would go through with it, because his soul was broken and living meant precious little to him now. It would bring Tonks happiness, misguided though she may be. It would, hopefully, bring Lupin contentment.

It was on that day, the day of his union to a woman that he could never love the way that she deserved, that Remus Lupin found the strength to utter the words that had eluded him all of these years. There, sitting alone staring at his reflection, Lupin spoke, the words reaching back months and years to the days when they had all been together and happy. Back to that fireside and shared glances and laughter and warm conversation.

"I love you, Sirius Black."

The boy in his memory gave a smile and a wave as Lupin walked out the door to face the future.

* * *

I wrote this a while ago, back before school made my life ridiculously busy. I hope you liked it! Please feel free to leave me comments, as always. And remember, dear reader, you rock!

Shadow


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